I'm quite indifferent to this past year.  This is something that's pretty odd for me.  I'm typically more than ready to bid the year farewell and happily move into the upcoming New Year. 


So many things have occurred this year.  New people have come into my life.  Old friends have reappeared in awesome numbers.  Some I haven't seen in 10 years, others I haven't seen or talked to in nearly 20 years.  It's truly amazing how everything happens at the perfect time.  I continually fall in love with people, old and new.  There are people I've met 6 months ago, and love them like I've known them for a lifetime.  Then there are the people that I've had to cut loose from my life.  Sometimes it's about loving myself more than I'm willing to let others hurt me.  Friends don't just keep in touch with you when they have time.  Especially those that have time for everyone else, but you.  If you live close to those you love, I believe it's important to spend time with them.  Tomorrow is never a guarantee.


This year has taught me appreciation, gratitude, thankfulness, and to always focus on my blessings.  Of course this isn't easy, and I certainly have my moments.  God is always faithful, and is always showing me just how blessed I am, not a moment to late.  Where others might get discouraged and give up, I push forward.  There are no other choices.  There is no giving up.  Nobody promised life was going to be easy, but everyday I see just how worth it, it is. 


For a little over a year, I've followed a little 3 year old girls journey with Cancer.  The strength and courage that God gives these little warriors is unlike anything I've ever witnessed before.  The faith He gives their parents is something else that truly amazes me.  I am so thankful for all of the healthy little ones in my life, and truly do not take a moment of their health or mine for granted. 


I also survived a renovation!!  It is wonderful to have wonderfully handy friends who will take the time out of their busy lives to help a friend.  Who would have thought that I could actually hook up a garbage disposal and a dishwasher with hardly any assistance?!  Not to mention, I'm still not quite sure how I was able to function without a working kitchen for almost a month.  Doing dishes in my bathtub is something I hope to not ever have to do again.  Who would have thought 40 gallons of water prior to Christmas 2009 could have spurred me on to paint my whole condo, redo the whole bathroom, put new carpet in my bedroom and living room, new flooring in my hall and kitchen (kitchen floors still not finished), new cabinets, counters and kitchen design, updated electrical, plumbing shut offs, and my home just full of junk.  This was a total test of my OCD, which I passed!!  Yay.  Now if I could only muster up the courage to actually finish the flooring I'd be golden.  I just dread having to turn my dining room and kitchen upside down while the flooring's being laid.  The mess turns me into a hot mess!! 


This year I've learned a bit about loss as well.  Don't get me wrong, I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my young life, but for some reason this has been the year where loss has really resonated with me in a much deeper manner.  The loss I speak of isn't just loss of lives.  It's loss of those who have lost themselves while possibly dealing with loss, those who have lost a piece of themselves fighting for our great country, or those who have lost themselves while trying so desperately to find someone to fill a void within themselves.  Experiencing and bearing witness to such things has always been the greatest teacher for me.  A visual learner, who feels with my heart things that my mind can't always process, that's who I am.  I want to heal, take away the pain, show everyone that this is only the beginning, and through this I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose is. 


In 2011 I want to volunteer.  I want to help, to hug, to hold, to give, to make a difference, even if just for a minute.  The things I've seen have changed me and have filled my heart with compassion.  Now that my eyes have been opened, I cannot pretend to be blind to what I have seen.  This is going to be my year!

Who doesn't love a wee little baby?  I mean, really?  How could a normal human being not love someone and something so innocent?  Mind you, I didn't say love the parents of these sweet little ones... I just said love them. 


It seems that this is the season for birth.  There are babies all around.  If they're not here yet, they're cooking and will be arriving soon.  I simply can't wait!  OK, that's not true.  I can wait for the world to be overpopulated with little pooping monsters who have raggedy parents, but I can't wait for my friends little monsters to arrive.  I'm not sure what I ever did to accrue the baby and kiddy blessings that surround me, but I'll take it.  Not only will I take it, but I will be thankful and gracious for every single waking moment of it. 

I'll take a sweet little naked butt!


I'll take the frustration they bring when they're unhappy and crying.

I'll take the love they bring when they smile and melt you heart.



I love chubby babies.  Oh how I LOVE Chubby babies!  The rolls that never end are like an epitome of happiness on a chubby baby.  I'm not sure why this is, but it is something that is only cute on a wee one.  If you saw that many rolls on me, I'm certain I'd be anything but cute!  Heck, I'd be anything but Happy too!!

There is nothing more beautiful than the change of seasons that this beautiful state has to offer.  Nothing.  The gorgeous daytime temperatures with no humidity, and the brisk night air that lets you know that old man winter is right around the corner.  The joy of knowing the holiday season is near and that time with loved ones  singing, eating, snuggling, laughing, rejoicing, and praising God for the everyday blessings of one another is so close you could touch it will be upon us shortly becomes all too exciting to bear.

Then there are those of us who must prepare for this time of year.  We have to prepare ahead of time for when the days start to get shorter, and the temperatures start to cool.  It is this time of year that I have to remind myself of December 21st, for this is when the days will start to gain a bit more daylight again.  Bit by bit the darkness will fade, and that tends to be how I feel this time of year.  Bit by bit my darkness starts to creep in.  With the days getting shorter it's imperative that I pay attention to the fact that I'm greatly affected by this change in season.  It's a must that I get out more than usual, especially during daylight hours.  Activity is also a great thing.  The more I do, the less I can subconsciously succumb to the 'depression' that is Seasonal affective disorder.  There are days where I'd love to simply sleep in until noon, not because I'm sad or depressed, but because my body drags without the daylight.  I'd love to go to bed early, which we ALL know is totally unlike me, because it's dark at 5pm and by 8 it feels like it's been night for hours!!  Somehow this just slows my body down and my mood too. 

What amazes me the most though is simply how God works.  I've never been unprepared for what so many would be unprepared for.  The blessings that I have for a wonderful sense of self are beyond what so many have.  There are so many people in my life that I've been lucky enough to meet and get to know, and I always end up thinking the same thing.  "How do they not know themselves?"  To me it seems that there are so many people living in the cycle of insanity.  They keep doing the same things over and over, yet if they would just be still and listen.  I mean really listen, they'd know.  They'd know where they were suppose to be, how to get through what they're going through, how to really get to know themselves.  I can't imagine not knowing who I am, and what makes me function?  There may be things in my life I question, but the two things I will never question are myself and God.   As long as I know Him I will know myself.  This doesn't mean I will enjoy muddling through the darkened hours until the days get longer.  It simply means that I'm so grateful that I will never have to do it alone!!

So everyone who knows me knows that I have an ongoing love/hate relationship with dating.  I'll be real honest, I detest it.  I more than detest it, I double detest it with a heap of loathe frosting on top.  It's not so much that I dislike the guys that I've been out with, ok I don't so much care for each and every one of them, but I dislike the discomfort of the odd, bizarre, and sometimes monotonous things you have to do to actually meet people. 

Lets start with the Grocery store.  Everyone says the grocery store is a fantastic place to meet people. Really??  I don't know about you, but when I go to the grocery store I'm shopping for food, and not the kind of meat I really want to bring home to marry.  I prefer the kind of meat I bring home to cook.  Don't get me wrong, there are some very attractive men wandering the grocery store.  The ones I find myself most attracted to aren't the ones who have carts full of beer, chips, and hot dogs.  No longer am I a young 20 something and want someone who can only hang with the guys while barbecuing, beer bonging, and chip dipping.  I prefer a guy with a healthy variety in his cart.  If he's going to have beer in it, I'm sort of snobby and hope it's something along the lines of Yuengling or Heifferweisen, not Milwaukee's best because that I know is inexpensive and will only be used for a long night of guzzling festivities.  However, my largest problem with grocery store guys is the fact that my eyes are trained to go from the face to the left hand in nanoseconds.  What do you think this contains?!  Yep, the unbreakable band that immediately cause my eyes to divert back to the real reason I arrived at this location in the first place... to shop for groceries.

There are moments that define our lives.  You will remember where you are, what happened, what was said, who said it, in what context it was said, and most of all you will always remember how it made you feel.  All situations change us.  Some change us in small ways, and others change who we become. 

Today our sermon moved me.  It was as if God himself literally picked me up, shook me, and said "this ones for you."  Maybe it was more like the Holy Spirit within me started to thud around a little when I realized that this was going to lead to a bit of discomfort.  Discomfort is nothing new for me these days.  What's one more thing that I will have to handle?  I can do it.  Today's sermon was on the power or words and how we use them.  Sounds easy, right?  Ya, not so much.  Imagine you are 6 years old and have just come home from school with your report card.  Lets pretend you're quite the typical 6 year old who is chatty, has trouble sitting still, and would rather be snickering with the other kids in class than paying total attention.  You bring home a report card with a conduct grade that reflects your chatty, ants in your pants, not paying full attention behavior.  Your Father takes one looks at it and says "what are you doing?  Are you stupid?  You know better than to act like an idiot in school! ?!"  Or maybe he just looks at you, shakes his head in disappointment, throws down the report card and walks away.  I can imagine that neither of these have shown this child any ounce of love and grace. 

Words kill faster than bullets, and there are times that bullets would be much less painful.  There is nothing that breaks my heart more than when people speak to their children with words that are less than loving.  Who would ever call their young child an idiot, stupid, a fool?  Do you think a 6,7, 8-- 12, 14 year old believes you're joking, or understands a joke of that nature?   Words change who people become.  They cut to the core, they destroy.  Words are seeds we plant in the people we love and they bury them, and regardless of if we like it or not those seeds grow.  We have the choice to plant seeds of love.  "You certainly are a chatty child.  Lets work on finding a way to try to improve your attentiveness in class.  I know you can do it.  You're a great kid, and so smart, but if you're talking and not listening it makes it hard to pay attention.  We'll work on this together, and all your other grades look great. Congratulations."  Instead people focus on the flaws.  There are times we see ourselves in others and their actions and we don't like what we see.  We try to correct them, and become angry when actually we're angry at ourselves for being that person we don't like. 

I wasn't the child who was yelled at and ridiculed.  I wasn't scolded for being average or shamed because I liked to talk to much.  This seems to be a problem that has followed me all of my life.  In my family we simply didn't talk.  If things weren't discussed, they would (and still will... ) just go away.  When I would get in trouble as a child I was sent to my room until however long my mom thought I should stay there, and then she'd let me come out.  Once I came out, everything was better.  Well, except for the fact that there were small grudges held, but other than that we did not discuss, nor did we process wrongdoings.  This taught me to bury my feelings.  Heck, I didn't even understand my own feelings!

As I got older, and would get in trouble I would then follow my Mother around the house yelling at her because when she was angry she would simply shut down.  There was zero communication.  Everything went silent.  Now, to me this wasn't dysfunctional because I was a nightmare teenager.  The thought of how horribly nasty and bratty I was makes me want to crawl into my own skin and hide.  Yet, looking back all I wanted was answers and some sort of verbal reaction and attention.  Simple answers and explanations.  I wanted to understand what I had done and I just wanted someone to speak to me.  It's healthy to process frustration and anger.  As an adult, I process everything.  I still want to talk about, and confront ALL issues head on because this helps me to process.  Young minds take these verbal and nonverbal words and we embed them in our souls.  This lack of communication and talking through things with my family has literally broken my soul and caused pain so deep inside that it took learning the loving grace of God to understand it.  During the silence I filled in the blanks, and when doing that I as most did not fill them in by thinking I wasn't being spoken to because I was loved, cared for, and my best interest was at heart.  The Bible says "Words Kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit -- you choose"  Proverbs 18:21 Msg
I still fill in the silence with negative, and it's something I will probably forever battle with, but I know I am not alone.

At 32, I know my parents love me.  They're human, and they fall short just like everyone else.  They've loved me when I've been difficult to love.  They may not have always loved me, and may not be able to love me like I need them to love me, but just like everyone else on this earth they're simply loving me the best they know how.  I'm eternally grateful that they never defamed my soul by beating me down by calling me names.  I've fought enough battles that I'm thankful that the Lord has always been gentle with my soul, it's taught me strength in so many other area's.  However, I've learned to build up others and not break them down.  The gift of grace and forgiveness has been offered to me, and there is no better gift than extending it to others.  Moving forward I'm going to make such a conscious effort of the words and language I use with those I love. 

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:43

Balance- to have an equality or equivalence in weight, parts, etc.

12-14 hour work days may not be a slow painful death for me.  I think it will be rather quick in all honesty!  I'm queen of the 'burnout.'  Queen of doing everything in excess.  Queen of giving in excess. Queen of loving in excess.  Queen of feeling in excess. If there is something that I can do, and do above and beyond... it's beyond.  Lately, I've been the Queen of working in excess.  Most people immerse themselves in 'things' because they're hiding from other 'things.'  I immerse myself in things, because that's pretty much how I do everything.  There is no getting half of me, or half half of my heart.  You will either have all, or nothing.  There's nothing for me to hide from, as everyone who knows me knows all to well that I deal with everything head on.  However, I just don't like to leave things half done.

Now I just need to learn how to balance my work without working 12+ hours a day.  I don't doubt myself, and I've smiled at all of those who have doubted that I can productively work from home.  The smile is growing, and will continue to grow.  Nothing that I do amazes me!  The most awesome God leads me (as long as I listen and pay attention...).  Nobody fails when they know who is truly in charge.  Sometimes I may teeter, but I won't fall.  Hopefully, I won't burnout either because I will discover this thing called balance.  One. Day. At. A. Time.